Christmas (I Hate It When I'm Right)

Okay, I was right about Christmas.

Bugger.

Cut (Carve, Slice, Incise, Slash, Slit, Hack, Hew, Lacerate)

When I am king you will be first against the wall

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For once in my life, let me get what I want

Lord knows it would be the first time

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Haven't had a dream in a long time

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I need warmth, a restless body cracks some more

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There's a gap between where we meet

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I can watch and can't take part

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I will eat you alive

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Who you were 

was so beautiful

Gurh.

I think I've finally gone completely fucking bonkers. I'm thinking in music right now. Not like a great composer or anything good, but like a chap who has listened to too much Radiohead. Less of individual notes or anything of that matter, but instead of guitar riffs that sound ugly.

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Your ambition makes you looks pretty ugly

....:. .. ... .

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:

You don't remember

You don't remember..:..:..::

Why don't you remember my name

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I don't even really know what is going on. There's just... 

No.

Stop. 

That's that. 

This train of thought

Just careened off the tracks.

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I

Don't 

Know 

Why

I

Feel

So

Tongue 

Tied

Scar Tissue (MindChess)

Woah.

I just realized that - Woah.

My perfect plan ended up playing into everyone else's hand.

I need to think things through farther.
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Maybe if you know the song it will make sense to you.

Merry Fucking Christmas

So it's almost Christmas.

I have come to the sad realization that - short of a miracle - this Christmas will not be as good as last year.

Argh.
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I'm twitching and bubbling like a mad mother fucker right now.
Yeah, bubbling.
Cockney rhyming slang.
But only in my mind.
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the dust and
the screaming

the yuppies networking

the panic
the vomit
the panic
the vomit

god loves his children
god loves his children
yeah
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Okay.
The writing has started again.

Holy shit it is fucking depressing.
I am one morbid little bastard.
Like, Christ, I don't even want to publish that shit. I don't want people to think.
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They'll think
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I mean - I made people cry with that shit that I wrote for socials class, and this - this is even worse.

I suppose I neveer really did this properly.

Hello internet! You're reading my blog right now. You might not know me, but you'll find out soon enough. If you do know me, then you'll end up knowing me a lot better by reading this. 

So this is it, this is my mind. You'll have as much fun here as I do.

"Are you okay?"

'Okay' is entirely subjective.

Probably by most people's standard, I am not okay. You would probably even say that something is definitely wrong. Some people might even say 'breaking'. Some would follow this with 'down'.

I don't use such terms. 

I call this 'okay'. I'm still breathing, I'm alive in some sense of the word. The desire to be either of these may be lacking, but there's not a lot I can do about that. 

No, rather there is, but it would require cooperation of others. 

So there more or less isn't.

No, scratch all that.

Most people would probably say that I'm not okay. That is all well and good, and probably true. That isn't the important part. I could probably overlook everything and be 'okay' by most people's standards. I don't though. Instead, I see all of those things and accept that I'm fucked up.

Please, Please, Please / Truth Doesn't / Paranoid Android / Mojo Pin / Why Can't You Be Nicer

Argh.

I should have known that there was no truth. That the best things would never come to be. I don't think it's your fault - not any more than it is his or mine, anyway.

No that's a lie. I'd like to think that it's equal, that the blame is on everyone, but it probably isn't. It's either all on me or on all on you. 

That's probably the plural you for anyone counting.

Of course, it's probably all me. But then, this isn't something I'd be able to explain to you - you'd laugh or hit me or hate me or all of the above. 

Maybe I'm a coward for saying it only on here, where you'll never find it.

I'm probably a coward.

I don't even know what I want or what you want or what the hell is going on anymore.

I hate most movies and TV now.

I mean, sure it's nice to see the main character get the girl - but fuck, I could relate to him throughout the rest of the movie and they go and ruin that.

It'd probaly be fucking depressing to see that happen in every movie, but c'mon, in a few where it makes sense there shouldn't be a reason not to.

Maybe it's that the general movie-going public isn't me. 

flABS OF STEEL

I just did 100 sit-ups (in one set of one-hundred).

And maybe sixty twenty minutes prior, but those were in "ten sit-ups, ten side sit-ups" sets.

Not Half As Friendly As Casper

The ghosts of my past are back to haunt me.

In so many actions in my day, I see that times that I once had, the life that I lived.

Lived.

Past-tense.

Worse though are the ghosts of the futures that will be left unfulfilled.

I am currently covered in spots. 

What the fuck is up with my movement pattern?

I stride funny, I go down stairs funny, I get out of people's way funny. I'm a pretty fucked up guy.

Christ, I wonder what other people notice about me that I don't 

So I was in InfoTech the other day, plunking along on my keyboard as usual.

I looked down, and there were some hands doing the plunking.

But that isn't what my hands look like. My fingers are longer and thinner than that. The rest of my hand isn't that big. 

I kept on typing with these alien things attached to my arms.

I was going to write something here.

I don't remember what it was, but I think you should know that I was going to write something before I forgot.

Broken Glass

All right, this is going to seem a lot more emo of me than usual and I apologize for this.

There's this bit of broken glass sitting in the soap dish beside the bathroom sink. Whenever things get a little too fucked up I'd look at it and go 'If everything goes to shit I've got a way out'. The trick is that deep down I know that I'm not brave enough so I'd never even touch it.

What is bravery anyway? Is it bravery when you've got nothing at all to lose? Is it bravery when you've got everything to lose? Maybe it's both; is the beggar mugging a someone using only his words less brave than the soldier putting his life on the line for his family's freedom? Mind you, this probably isn't a very good example.

But the problem with knowing that there is no way that I'm brave enough to do anything is that I don't know myself very well.

Just recently I looked down at the bit of glass remembering everything I've ever seen or thought of things like that. None of that seemed as bad as the nothing that I had left. 

I needed to test myelf one last time though.

I picked up the sharp little bit of glass.

I ran it across the tip of my index finger.

It was plastic.

Maybe there's something wrong with me.

Okay, that's a pretty probable maybe.

But that isn't what troubles me - I'm used to something being wrong with me. Maybe you aren't though. Maybe you can't see it like I think you should be able to. I mean, you of all people know me best, so if anyone can see it it should be you. 

Of course, it probably isn't too obvious; I've been hiding things for a long, long time. So I guess that if you can't see it then nobody will be able to.

Maybe there's nothing wrong with me and I just think that there is.

Not The Answer

A couple weeks ago my biology class was marking tests. 

I can't remember what someone put down, but it was right. Well, no. It was right in that it made perfect sense and wasn't wrong. It made sense to me, it was something like "Species are not perfect and uniform as individuals often show imperfections." - that seems right, doesn't it?

There is nothing wrong with that answer, and yet, it isn't right because it isn't the answer being looked for. Now, unless you tell me what answer you're looking for, how am I supposed to know?

I wonder if this sort of policy works in everyday life; "Hey, want to get dinner sometime?" "No, I'm busy for the rest of my life." "That's not the answer I wanted."; "Want to have sex?" "Not yet." "That's not the responce I was looking for."; "Will you marry me?" "I-... no, not yet." "That isn't the answer I was asking for."; "Hey, how's it going?" "I don't think we should be together anymore." "That isn't the answer I wanted."

Maybe being right isn't a binary value; not just black and white, but many shades of grey.

Dreaming

I find it odd how apt my dreams are to contort into nightmares.

I think I have been robbed of nearly everything I ever hoped for. Of course, robbed isn't the right term. A great deal of my former dreams have converted themselves into nightmares in unimaginable ways. Maybe it isn't exactly that. 

Maybe I was never meant to end up with all of these things. Maybe all of the things that I hoped would go right were destined to go awry. Maybe...

Maybe I'm not meant to be happy. 

I hope that this is just me being a stupid fucking teenager.

Notessimo

Well, I am currently being a complete bastard on Notessimo 2. It is pleanty of fun for people of my sort that have absolutely nothing do do. That link there is a bit loaded, as that leads to what I am trying to make. 

This is of course, the Paul Gilbert classic, Get Out Of My Yard.

Anyone reading this should check it out. Any original compositions of mine will be published under Sir Anonymous.

I don't know what to write here. 

I have to write something though, so this is what I'm writing. 

I don't know why I have to write something, but I just do.

Argh.

I think there's something wrong with me. I seem to have become an odd charachiture of myself lately. I've found all aspects of myself, good or bad, have become greatly exaggerated. I have been smarter and taller and thinner and hungrier and a whole tonne of other things. Especially crazier. There's more to it than that though - I've been lonlier, and I've probably been easier to dislike and a great deal of thigns like that too.

I don't know if this means I'm feeling very much myself or not myself at all. 

Losing Keys

I think that over my time, I've lost a lot of things.

It isn't things like missing sock that I mean, either. 

I mean things that were going to be mine but then suddenly weren't. I don't mean to be selfish, but it is the sort of thing that's bound to put a guy in a bad humour. Getting so close that it is nearly mine, but then finding that it isn't anymore.

It is just as bad when it is something worth holding on to - a source of stability. Having the rug pulled out from under you is the saying, but it isn't quite a strong enough one for what I mean to say.

I don't know what I mean to say.

Handyman

I suppose you could say that I'm a handyman of sorts.

I've fixed a fair deal of problems in my lifetime. I suppose I may have made a reputation of being the sort of chap that can fix things.

I don't know exactly why I do it, it hasn't properly paid off, but I have no intention of stopping. Maybe I'm destined to make things better, but that wouldn't explain why I'm so talented at making them bad to begin with. There have even been some things that I couldn't save no matter how I tried.

I'd wager that most everyone else writes these off as not meant to be.

I am not as optimistic.

The Great Pretender

Did you ever hear about the chap that pretended to be the King of England, a World War II hero,  and a professional football player?

It really was amazing, I must say.

You see, he did not have to pretend to be the King of England. Or a World War II hero. Or a professional football player. This would require too much memorizing.

He only had to pretend to be a great pretender. 

Questions

Some questions are hard to answer. No two ways about it.

I was proposed a rather tough one today. It wasn't challenging because I didn't know the answer, but instead because the answer was not what I would have liked it to be. It would have been pleasurable to lie and maybe my lies would be made into truth by the masses, but maybe my lies would lead to falling (farther) out of favour with whom they concern. Such is something that I do not wish to do, as sad as it may sound.

It's probably because I don't properly know what's best for me.

Lining Up

I've come to believe that a great deal of things do indeed happen to a greater end.

Small things happen a certain way so that important things can happen properly. I'd like to think that it also means that bad things happen so that amazing things can line up properly, but this probably isn't the case.

I suppose I don't really know anything though.

Doors

So far I've found that doors tend to open and close at the same time.

One door closes and if you aren't properly prepared, you'll wind up scrambling to get to the one that just opened. Even worse is when you just ignore the newly opened door, because you'd rather stare at the closed one - you never know, it might open again.

Sadly, I've found myself in that place pretty often. Looking at the door, knocking and ringing the bell, waving at the peep-hole. I'm not sure if it'll open for me again, and it might. Yet then, what doors are opening and shutting around me while I'm buggering with the hinges on the one?

I think that maybe the proper course of action here is to lean up against the one door. If it opens again, I'll fall right into the room. If another door with something just as good (better is too tough a word to use here, because better would probably be tough to accomplish) opens then I'll see it and hopefully be proper set to rush through. If I'll be able to leave the one door stands to reason, but that bridge will be crossed when I come to it.

Starts & (Loose) Ends

Well, um...

I guess I ought start by explaining the title.

Click-click-click is a sort of gears turning about in my head.

It's from a Rory Gallagher song. Or rather, it is a Rory Gallagher song.
It's a Radiohead song. I've got a disease, an English disease.

What this really is is, a door into my thoughts. Of course, whether that is where you want to be is not related. Yet, you probably wouldn't be here if you hadn't come looking for a way in - so you must want to be here.

You won't for much longer. 

Other than the title, er...

I suppose this is a way for me to document my descent into madness or out of it, if you look at it that way. 

That's about it, so good luck with that.