Christmas (I Hate It When I'm Right)

Okay, I was right about Christmas.

Bugger.

Cut (Carve, Slice, Incise, Slash, Slit, Hack, Hew, Lacerate)

When I am king you will be first against the wall

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For once in my life, let me get what I want

Lord knows it would be the first time

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Haven't had a dream in a long time

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I need warmth, a restless body cracks some more

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There's a gap between where we meet

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I can watch and can't take part

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I will eat you alive

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Who you were 

was so beautiful

Gurh.

I think I've finally gone completely fucking bonkers. I'm thinking in music right now. Not like a great composer or anything good, but like a chap who has listened to too much Radiohead. Less of individual notes or anything of that matter, but instead of guitar riffs that sound ugly.

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Your ambition makes you looks pretty ugly

....:. .. ... .

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:

You don't remember

You don't remember..:..:..::

Why don't you remember my name

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I don't even really know what is going on. There's just... 

No.

Stop. 

That's that. 

This train of thought

Just careened off the tracks.

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I

Don't 

Know 

Why

I

Feel

So

Tongue 

Tied

Scar Tissue (MindChess)

Woah.

I just realized that - Woah.

My perfect plan ended up playing into everyone else's hand.

I need to think things through farther.
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Maybe if you know the song it will make sense to you.

Merry Fucking Christmas

So it's almost Christmas.

I have come to the sad realization that - short of a miracle - this Christmas will not be as good as last year.

Argh.
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I'm twitching and bubbling like a mad mother fucker right now.
Yeah, bubbling.
Cockney rhyming slang.
But only in my mind.
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the dust and
the screaming

the yuppies networking

the panic
the vomit
the panic
the vomit

god loves his children
god loves his children
yeah
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Okay.
The writing has started again.

Holy shit it is fucking depressing.
I am one morbid little bastard.
Like, Christ, I don't even want to publish that shit. I don't want people to think.
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They'll think
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I mean - I made people cry with that shit that I wrote for socials class, and this - this is even worse.

I suppose I neveer really did this properly.

Hello internet! You're reading my blog right now. You might not know me, but you'll find out soon enough. If you do know me, then you'll end up knowing me a lot better by reading this. 

So this is it, this is my mind. You'll have as much fun here as I do.

"Are you okay?"

'Okay' is entirely subjective.

Probably by most people's standard, I am not okay. You would probably even say that something is definitely wrong. Some people might even say 'breaking'. Some would follow this with 'down'.

I don't use such terms. 

I call this 'okay'. I'm still breathing, I'm alive in some sense of the word. The desire to be either of these may be lacking, but there's not a lot I can do about that. 

No, rather there is, but it would require cooperation of others. 

So there more or less isn't.

No, scratch all that.

Most people would probably say that I'm not okay. That is all well and good, and probably true. That isn't the important part. I could probably overlook everything and be 'okay' by most people's standards. I don't though. Instead, I see all of those things and accept that I'm fucked up.

Please, Please, Please / Truth Doesn't / Paranoid Android / Mojo Pin / Why Can't You Be Nicer

Argh.

I should have known that there was no truth. That the best things would never come to be. I don't think it's your fault - not any more than it is his or mine, anyway.

No that's a lie. I'd like to think that it's equal, that the blame is on everyone, but it probably isn't. It's either all on me or on all on you. 

That's probably the plural you for anyone counting.

Of course, it's probably all me. But then, this isn't something I'd be able to explain to you - you'd laugh or hit me or hate me or all of the above. 

Maybe I'm a coward for saying it only on here, where you'll never find it.

I'm probably a coward.

I don't even know what I want or what you want or what the hell is going on anymore.

I hate most movies and TV now.

I mean, sure it's nice to see the main character get the girl - but fuck, I could relate to him throughout the rest of the movie and they go and ruin that.

It'd probaly be fucking depressing to see that happen in every movie, but c'mon, in a few where it makes sense there shouldn't be a reason not to.

Maybe it's that the general movie-going public isn't me. 

flABS OF STEEL

I just did 100 sit-ups (in one set of one-hundred).

And maybe sixty twenty minutes prior, but those were in "ten sit-ups, ten side sit-ups" sets.

Not Half As Friendly As Casper

The ghosts of my past are back to haunt me.

In so many actions in my day, I see that times that I once had, the life that I lived.

Lived.

Past-tense.

Worse though are the ghosts of the futures that will be left unfulfilled.