Don't Quit Your Day Job

Lets say you work at a job you hate.
For shitty pay.
Don't ask how you got it, but you work there.
You'd quit right?
Okay, also you a terrible at it. You work at a job you hate that doesn't pay well that you are bad at.
You'll get fired eventually but say, 50-60 years eventually.
So there's your two options: quit or get fired.

You'd quit right? It makes sense. Shitty job, shitty pay, shitty work quality.

I hope you are following the analogy. Maybe look at what this is tagged under and you will understand. (Here's a hint, it is not 'work')

Priorities (I Am Overstimulated)

You said that you have priorities.
Yeah. Exactly.

A friend of my died recently. Really recently. Just today recently. And I mean, uh, I'm not surprized - that sounds terrible - it is not the end that I am surprized by, but the means. He had a seizure in his sleep is what I'm told. And then that isn't even it either. All these people that didn't like him have made their facebooks "RIP we will miss you" - and I think, you might miss him now but you won't next week. And then I realize that this is how it is going to go; when I die everyone will miss me for about three weeks and then it's back to life as usual.

And I am shaken. And you call me and act like a good friend would. And it seems as though the wrong thing to say comes so easily to you. And I start to get quiet. And you have to go to bed because you have to get up early to do whatever with your boyfriend. You have priorities. You also have no idea how funny I find this.

Death is just the end, isn't it? And, yeah, that sure is something. And I'm sorry if I brought my own issues into the middle of this - but that is how the night has gone.

A good dude died. That fucking sucks. It makes the rest of my fucking problems seem like shit in comparison.

Well that was a bad idea.

Say What You Want To Say

Christ, I have been stuck on how I am not good enough. It's just stuck on me. And I think that if I mentioned it I would be told that no of course I am good enough and asked where I would get an idea like that.
Words.
Words.
Words.
That is exactly the problem. I will be told forever that I am good enough, but it will never be demonstrated.
The other fun thing was "if I were single, I would totally sleep with you" - as though that helps. That is how I am not good enough. I am not good enough to get what I want. I am not good enough to be wanted.
And I know what you're thinking - that is a sick thing to want, to be the paramour. That isn't what I want. Not explicitly anyway, though it may be a direct consequence.
I don't mean to sound like it's about one girl. It isn't. I know it sounds like it, but will you grant me a little poetic license? Look at it as though it is some metaphor or something like that. 

I Wear The Scars To Show My Shame

Is it unhealthy to not be satisfied with myself?
This conclusion is not one that I reached of my own accord - I got here by being told it over and over. If  I had been good enough or even just 'enough' some of the time, I probably wouldn't have this kind of thinking.
But at the same time, it is what motivates me. It is why I am trying to be better. If I had always been good enough, I wouldn't need to become better. Perhaps that loses the cause in the effect though.